A tear

I remember the day you left to go back to your homeland I was 6 months pregnant. I remember you kissing our daughter with a teardrop running down your face. I tried to stop myself from crying so my weakness wouldn't show, but when you started walking towards the gate where I can't accompany you anymore that's when I couldn't hold it. So much tears rushed down because you didn't just leave us you took a piece of my heart with you. At that moment that was when I knew I found the one. But where did that man go? The man that kissed my belly and teared. I pray for you to come back. Please come back.

Beep.

I shouldn't have called... It's fine because I will call every few days and then those few days will turn into once a week and then those once a week will turn into every few weeks and then every few weeks will turn into every few months and then beep beep beep. Goodbye. I can't help to call because I wonder how you are. Is that so bad? Is it bad to care even if I know you hate me.

Insomnia What Ifs'.

I wonder why every night at around 3 I always wake up and no I don't believe in that whole ghost thing when if you wake up at 3 it means like theres a ghost watching you or something like that. It's like my body made a habit for going to the bathroom at 3 every night for about 2 weeks now. Also maybe its cause I've been taking diuretics. Every time I wake up I think about my problems and I end up staying up for about 2-3 hours constantly and desperately thinking of a way to get out of these problems. I can't shake it off. Everyone is telling me that time will heal, but what if it doesn't? I'm scared because I don't want to lose something thats too important to me. But what if this is Gods will? What if its destined to be like this. What if I was destined to feel this much pain so for the future I think harder on how to make better decisions. What if life is giving me a lesson? What if I shouldn't even be worrying right now because its all a lie? But what if its not a lie? What will happen to our offspring? What will I do or say when she asks me the questions that I wouldn't know the answers to? What will people say about me? What if he really loves her? I have so much questions to ask and I've been waiting for answers. You should know me well enough that I wouldn't do something like that. It feels like I'm going to have a heart attack.

Growth

I feel it within myself at how much ‘Ive changed through the experiences I’ve gone through these past few months. I’d like to think that I’m a pretty sincere and kind person but once someone does take that for granted I do start to build animosity towards them. I am still learning more about myself and when someone takes advantage of my kindness I don’t have much remorse. Too many times have I encountered this and quite frankly this is why I don’t trust people. I’ve learned that even the people who you think you can trust the most can F you over the hardest. I guess it’s my judgment as well, I am part of the blame. If I didn’t let them get to me that much I wouldn’t be regretting what could of or should of happened. I just need to realize that I can truly be happy again with time. Those who matter will stick around and those who do not will find their way out of my life eventually. I'm glad that I have my daughter because she is mine forever and no one can take her away.